Brokeback Hogwarts

Key moments to catch:
a. Mooney's gay-dar
b. Cedric mouthing to Harry, "Ron?? I don't understand...I'm so much better looking."

Too Much Booty In da Pants

Sign I posted today at work:

Dear Customer:
Please don't be tearin up our shit.* Ya heard?
Sincerely,
The ReStore

Next week's edition:

Need to get some junk in your trunk?? Just ask one of our staff members. We'd be happy to help.


*modified to "stuff" after seeing Chris reading his bible during lunch break (witnessing this caused me severe Catholic guilt pangs over using profanity in the ReStore).

Extry Extry!! The Social Retards Get Married!!

Shocking but true. So the social retard clan is growing. However, a lot of us have not had much interaction with the significant others that will be assimilating into our group. So, in order for the rest of us to feel better acquainted with these individuals, I am posting a fact sheet on the social retards to be.

Jason
--he farts a lot
--he likes to sing hymns
--he gets grumpy when he's tired (sound familiar?)
--he goes to sleep at 10:30
--he's a bit clumsy
--he likes farms and Kansas a lot
--he treats most people he meets with respect
--he wanted to be a herpatologist when he was a kid
--he knows a lot about cow reproduction
--he milks goats on the weekend
--he's addicted to lifting weights

Trevor
--he is a sailor
--he likes bananas a whole lot
--he wants an army of midget minions
--In his youth, he formed a Ghostbuster club
--his least favorite work party project is scraping the mast
--his favorite Star Wars character is currently Obi Wan
--he has octopus boxers
--he would choose ants as his insect pet of choice because they could eat off the faces of his enemies
--he thinks Caroline is a hot tamale

Julia
--she plays the flute
--she farts a lot too
--she loves Ben and Jerry's ice cream
--she also likes anything chocolate
--she has a pretty pair of teal underware
--she does not like writing papers, but she does like learning
--she is addicted to YouTube
--she does not like eggs
--she likes to read while she poops
--she liked to play in the sandbox as a child
--she does not like bananas in her oatmeal

How much this is??

I hear this question at least 6 times a day. My customers point to couches, floor tiles, light fixtures, used paint cans, some with prices, some without. But "How much this is?" is not just a simple question of price; it is how my customers introduce what they hope will become a dialogue of worth.
My customers use many ploys. "But today's my birthday!" exclaims Miss Joyce when I give her a figure. (Considering how many birthdays Miss Joyce has a week, it's amazing how youthful she is.) They appeal for my sympathy with comments like, "Look, it's got a little crack here. Can't you take a few dollars off?" They try to pit the employees against each other with comments like, "No, no. Chris says it's only $10!" They even make shit up like, "You forgot my discount." What discount?? And while sometimes they make me feel like I am running a daycare center rather than a store full of donated building materials, I am sort of in awe of them for their ability to engage.
While the cross section of people that walk through the ReStore's doors is pretty diverse, there is one thing that these people all have in common: their incredible willingness to display and employ their humanity. My customers are as delightful, as self-absorbed, and as quick to laughter/indignation/temper-tantrums as small children. And they know it but are not afraid of it.
Perhaps their lack of inhibition stems from the fact that they are from "The South." Perhaps it is because they feel they have nothing left to hide after living in a football stadium for days with 15,000 other people, who like themselves, were suffering from shock and exposure. Or perhaps it is because after listening to politicians argue endlessly and without result over the worth of their communities and homes they have decided that these things must not have much value to the American public and, with nothing else left, they have decided to try and cash in on the value of their humanity in order to rebuild their lives.
If only we knew what that was.
How bout $4 dollars off that lamp?